We all know who “SHE” is. I have been “SHE” before. You might have been someone’s “SHE”. You even know the follow-up to the question “Will SHE be there?” “Cause if SHE’s gonna be there, I probably won’t even go.”
Years ago, after my beloved great grandmother had become too feeble and too rattled to live alone, I moved her in with my family. I had the noble idea that somehow, I could try to repay her for the many years she had invested into my life as a child and young adult by taking care of her now that she couldn’t do it herself. What a ride I was in for!
Now, first off, even before dementia had its way with Mother (as we called her), she never was a real lovey-dovey, push-over kind of lady. To say that she didn’t sugar-coat anything would be possibly the understatement of all time. She was truthful to a fault! Even before her mind went, she would tell you EXACTLY what she thought about everything. For instance: “You may as well not try that outfit on. It’s not going to look any better on you than it does on that rack… not if you keep on eating like you do!” Or, when I was enjoying some fresh corn one day, “You know that’s what they use to fatten up hogs for slaughter, right?” “Put some lipstick on, you look like you’re headed to chop cotton, not go out with your friends.” “Straighten up and fix your face, nobody wants to be around somebody who looks like they’ve lost their last friend.” Or “You have to take care of yourself, Sister, ain’t nobody gonna do it for you.” Some of these are funny to me now even if they were hurtful at the time. She had so many wonderful qualities that filled up the space in between those hurtful phrases. Kindness… yes kindness… unbelievable generosity… hospitality known throughout many states… intelligence…. grace…. And loyalty and love for her family.
After moving her in with us, I became “SHE”. I know now that it is common for a person with dementia to turn against their main caregiver. I didn’t know that then. I guess it’s like being the mama to them. I was the one who had to make her take her medicine. I was the one who had to tell her to be nice to people. I was the one who cooked things that she didn’t like… made her wear clothes… drug her to the doctor… and told her she couldn’t afford certain things any longer.
She eventually stopped calling me Kimberly and just referred to me as “SHE”. I would hear her tell my Granddaddy (her son), “SHE cooked some dumplins that weren’t fit to eat! They were so tough I nearly choked.” Or “SHE’s starving my cat to death. Just look at him, he’s so pale.” Another thing was that she was nearly completely deaf, so if she saw me talking to someone in a normal tone of voice, she assumed we were plotting against her… she’d tell Granddaddy or other family members… “I see them telling their secrets. I know what they are saying.” She accused me of taking her cat in for a “sex-change operation” (when I took him to be neutered) and forever thereafter referred to the cat as female. She also told everyone that I killed her dog while she was in the hospital one time. Funny thing is, the dog had been living on borrowed time for YEARS. He was practically catatonic. We would literally pick him up and move him around because he could barely walk. I kept reassuring her that “Bo” was fine and anxiously awaiting her homecoming from the hospital. Literally on the very day she came home, I went to get him to place him beside her chair so that he would be the first thing she saw when she came inside. You won’t believe it, but he had died of natural causes sometime between breakfast and lunch time. Since she was already convinced that he had been murdered by me several weeks prior, I just never even mentioned him to her. Bo was laid to rest in the back yard with no fanfare in an extremely private service. I’m sure she thought she had been right all along. Ha
I told you that little story, because we all have a “SHE”. Sometimes Mother was my “SHE”. Obviously, I was hers, at least in her final years.
You know, the lady who constantly criticizes. The lady who embarrasses you or others. The one who knows it all. The one who is better than you. The one who is holier than you. The one who makes you feel inadequate. She makes you feel unloved. Unworthy. She points you out. She demands attention. She turns her sharp barbs into jokes… but they really weren’t. She talks bad about others so much, that you figure she talks bad about you to them too. Her kids are perfect. Her marriage is perfect. Her career is perfect. Blah blah blah. Long story short, we avoid her at all costs… and we talk about her to others. Maybe we don’t go to church because “SHE” hurt our feelings. Sometimes, we don’t get involved in different ministries because “SHE” will be there. Sometimes we cut off parts of our family because of what SHE has done. We keep record of every word she says. We keep count of every time she hurts us. We relive her barbs. We hold onto the hurt. We make sure to remember not to trust her ever again. I’ve been there… done that… and sadly, still do sometimes.
I am so glad that Jesus called me by my name, and I’m not just a “she” to Him. He loved me so much that He died for me. Thank God, He is not like us. You see, we would have said, “SHE is too judgmental of people. SHE has lied. SHE has not put me first in her life. SHE didn’t take her children to church enough. SHE was hateful to her brother. SHE was hurtful to others. SHE wounded. SHE belittled. SHE tore down. SHE murdered. SHE stole. SHE coveted. SHE is not worth my time. She’s just plain mean. SHE has broken every single commandment SHE was ever given.”
If He was like us, He could have kept those records of my wrongs just to be sure that His heart was never softened toward me. Re-read the emails, held onto the texts, preserved the letters, replayed the voicemails, remembered every word of the phone call, re-lived the hurt, reminded Himself of the betrayal. He could have avoided me. He could have made sure others knew all about me and how I was. He could have pretended to love me, but made sure everyone else knew what contempt He held me in. He could never have shown me mercy and never extended His grace to me. In fact, He would have been perfectly justified. You see, each and every one of us are sinners. We are all guilty and not one of us is righteous… no not one. We all think that we are a little better than the sinner that hurt us. Don’t we? We all think that they are deserving of our contempt… because of what they did to us, or how they made us feel. Did you know, though, that our very best is as filthy rags before our righteous God? He is so perfect that even the little stuff we don’t worry too much about is pure evil to Him. He is so righteous that He must judge us all by the same standard.. His Word. When we sin, we are deserving of a sinner’s hell. He has given us His Son, Jesus Christ, by which we may be saved. Jesus is THE ONLY WAY for us to be saved. Being good enough, or better than the others, will not save our souls. God isn’t in the comparison business. He doesn’t judge us by comparing us to what others do or say. He measures us by the standard He set before us… the Word of God… every Word of it…. Not just the easy parts. Jesus will save you too, if you accept Him as your Lord and Savior. You don’t have to be perfect before you do it either. He will change you from the inside out. Just ask Him.
Jesus loved us so much that He willingly laid down His life for us. Not just us, but the murderers, the addicts, the homeless, the messy, the self-righteous, and the plain old, hard-to-love “SHEs” of the world. When we have come to Jesus, and accepted His gift of salvation, our sins are forgiven, and we can stand in front of God as though we had never sinned. The blood of Jesus covers us over, and He becomes our righteousness. Our sins are forgiven, and we have become the children of God. We aren’t perfect (and neither will SHE be), but we will strive each day to become more Christ-like. Best of all though, we will be so glad to get to heaven to live for all eternity that we won’t even ask, “Will SHE be there???”
For by the grace given me I say to every one of you:
Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought,
but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in
accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.
Romans 12:3
Indeed, there is no one on earth who is righteous,
no one who does what is right and never sins.
Ecclesiastes 7:20
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you,
live at peace with everyone.
Romans 12:18
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,
that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
John 3:16
Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life.
No one comes to the Father except through me.”
John 14:6
County Road 16 Musings 